The Most ADD Post Ever.

I have desperately tried to write this blog post so many times. It's been a long time coming, but every time I try, I get that gentle nudge in my heart saying, "Nope. You can't say it that way." So I obey and delete. Well, here is yet another attempt at communicating the random spaghetti in my brain.

Lately I have become increasingly aware of the need for some intense personal growth on my part. I feel that I have grown so much in certain areas in my life that needed a tune up, but let parts of me that I was comfortable with go to the way side and just collapse. Five years ago, I was in a very confident place. I was teaching Turbo Kick and losing weight like crazy, taking masters classes, super plugged into my church, spending time with friends every weekend, and just was happy to be alive. I was NOT a crier by any means, nor was I someone who would just vomit my opinion on people. As far as faults go, I think I was extremely selfish about certain things and I had my values a little bit mixed up. I would apologize for breathing too loud if it meant keeping someone from being mad at me. I felt generally well liked and enjoyed that.

When Justin and I met, the first thing he noticed about me was my confidence. This was a mutual thing for us. During our dating relationship, I went through some personal issues, and as I like to describe it, "the floodgates burst open." It's like all of the insecurities I had, all of the worries that had been buried deep down, all of the fears came bursting out now that someone was in my life for the long haul. I had never been in a relationship that I was confident would last for a lifetime...now that I was, and we had begun the process of unlocking our "secrets" before marriage, I couldn't really get a hold of myself. I started having anxiety attacks frequently and couldn't get ahold of it until a few months after our wedding.

In our first couple of years of marriage, we have had lots of roller coaster moments. Deciding to try for a baby, having a miscarriage, having to bestow as much grace as possible on each other to get through the yuckiness, work drama,  a healthy pregnancy, starting our own businesses while working full time jobs, and now baby, have kept us jumping from one thing to the next. I gained so much weight while pregnant that the added physical struggle of my body not at all resembling the one in the wedding dress 2 years ago was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Once I started losing weight and getting more involved with some of the leadership involved in the company we are working with, I started seeing something in them that I wanted. I tell you what...there's nothing like being in a room full of winners and hearing them bare their souls to you that will spark something inside of you. For the past few months, it has become increasingly obvious that things have to change. I have to get my confidence back. But how? It's almost overwhelming.

Justin posted a Facebook status a couple of weeks ago that mentioned me "getting the confidence back that made him fall in love with me." He meant it as a compliment and I took it that way, but I also got to thinking...at least half of our marriage has been spent with me feeling like an insecure mess. If the confidence is what he loves most about me, how hard must it have been for him to want to listen to all the junk? I owe it to him to do whatever it takes to get it together. I feel like I am having more and more glimmers of that person, but I'm ready for her to stay for the long haul.

Unfortunately, this sensitive girl does not have the thick skin required to do what it takes sometimes. The choices I am making to better myself, such as getting involved with AdvoCare, resigning from MISD, working out at a CrossFit box, etc seem to come with a slew of comments/remarks from people who don't agree with my choices. I think that social media has given us all the idea that we can say whatever we want without repercussions, but that is not the case. I have felt like I'm constantly having to defend my choices to people who are either just trying to get a rise out of me or genuinely think I'm ridiculous. I don't get that. There are plenty of people who I think are ridiculous. But I don't follow them. I avoid looking at the very things that would instigate an eye roll. I'm working daily on not being so opinionated about stupid things. I just deleted a recent rant I went on about some celebrity because I realized as I was typing this post that someone would probably call me a hypocrite based on a few of my statuses. I wish that we could all just support each other and help each other reach our goals, no matter if they are the same as ours.

All of that to say, I am too sensitive to handle snarky comments, rude texts, messages, etc. If you think that my posts about my child, my job, or whatever it may be are annoying, please help me out and unsubscribe or unfriend me. I would much rather you remove yourself from any of my social media than for you to say hurtful things. I am going through posts and deleting the ones that stick in my head as hurtful words. Growing a thick skin is much easier said than done. I'd ask that until I've achieved it, you will help me by refraining from hurtful words. And I will do my best to keep my tone and comments as positive and uplifting as possible.

My goal was not to whine, complain, sound like a baby, etc. I really just find myself getting so upset over stupid words on a page/screen that I feel like I need a freaking PSA to get things under control at least until I stop caring so much. I'm guessing maybe 2 people will read this so it's almost pointless, but it makes me feel somehow like I've said my piece. :)