The Most ADD Post Ever.

I have desperately tried to write this blog post so many times. It's been a long time coming, but every time I try, I get that gentle nudge in my heart saying, "Nope. You can't say it that way." So I obey and delete. Well, here is yet another attempt at communicating the random spaghetti in my brain.

Lately I have become increasingly aware of the need for some intense personal growth on my part. I feel that I have grown so much in certain areas in my life that needed a tune up, but let parts of me that I was comfortable with go to the way side and just collapse. Five years ago, I was in a very confident place. I was teaching Turbo Kick and losing weight like crazy, taking masters classes, super plugged into my church, spending time with friends every weekend, and just was happy to be alive. I was NOT a crier by any means, nor was I someone who would just vomit my opinion on people. As far as faults go, I think I was extremely selfish about certain things and I had my values a little bit mixed up. I would apologize for breathing too loud if it meant keeping someone from being mad at me. I felt generally well liked and enjoyed that.

When Justin and I met, the first thing he noticed about me was my confidence. This was a mutual thing for us. During our dating relationship, I went through some personal issues, and as I like to describe it, "the floodgates burst open." It's like all of the insecurities I had, all of the worries that had been buried deep down, all of the fears came bursting out now that someone was in my life for the long haul. I had never been in a relationship that I was confident would last for a lifetime...now that I was, and we had begun the process of unlocking our "secrets" before marriage, I couldn't really get a hold of myself. I started having anxiety attacks frequently and couldn't get ahold of it until a few months after our wedding.

In our first couple of years of marriage, we have had lots of roller coaster moments. Deciding to try for a baby, having a miscarriage, having to bestow as much grace as possible on each other to get through the yuckiness, work drama,  a healthy pregnancy, starting our own businesses while working full time jobs, and now baby, have kept us jumping from one thing to the next. I gained so much weight while pregnant that the added physical struggle of my body not at all resembling the one in the wedding dress 2 years ago was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

Once I started losing weight and getting more involved with some of the leadership involved in the company we are working with, I started seeing something in them that I wanted. I tell you what...there's nothing like being in a room full of winners and hearing them bare their souls to you that will spark something inside of you. For the past few months, it has become increasingly obvious that things have to change. I have to get my confidence back. But how? It's almost overwhelming.

Justin posted a Facebook status a couple of weeks ago that mentioned me "getting the confidence back that made him fall in love with me." He meant it as a compliment and I took it that way, but I also got to thinking...at least half of our marriage has been spent with me feeling like an insecure mess. If the confidence is what he loves most about me, how hard must it have been for him to want to listen to all the junk? I owe it to him to do whatever it takes to get it together. I feel like I am having more and more glimmers of that person, but I'm ready for her to stay for the long haul.

Unfortunately, this sensitive girl does not have the thick skin required to do what it takes sometimes. The choices I am making to better myself, such as getting involved with AdvoCare, resigning from MISD, working out at a CrossFit box, etc seem to come with a slew of comments/remarks from people who don't agree with my choices. I think that social media has given us all the idea that we can say whatever we want without repercussions, but that is not the case. I have felt like I'm constantly having to defend my choices to people who are either just trying to get a rise out of me or genuinely think I'm ridiculous. I don't get that. There are plenty of people who I think are ridiculous. But I don't follow them. I avoid looking at the very things that would instigate an eye roll. I'm working daily on not being so opinionated about stupid things. I just deleted a recent rant I went on about some celebrity because I realized as I was typing this post that someone would probably call me a hypocrite based on a few of my statuses. I wish that we could all just support each other and help each other reach our goals, no matter if they are the same as ours.

All of that to say, I am too sensitive to handle snarky comments, rude texts, messages, etc. If you think that my posts about my child, my job, or whatever it may be are annoying, please help me out and unsubscribe or unfriend me. I would much rather you remove yourself from any of my social media than for you to say hurtful things. I am going through posts and deleting the ones that stick in my head as hurtful words. Growing a thick skin is much easier said than done. I'd ask that until I've achieved it, you will help me by refraining from hurtful words. And I will do my best to keep my tone and comments as positive and uplifting as possible.

My goal was not to whine, complain, sound like a baby, etc. I really just find myself getting so upset over stupid words on a page/screen that I feel like I need a freaking PSA to get things under control at least until I stop caring so much. I'm guessing maybe 2 people will read this so it's almost pointless, but it makes me feel somehow like I've said my piece. :)

Dreaming Big in a Dreamless World

I want anyone reading this blog to think back to their high school/early college days. For some of us, it wasn't that long ago--I just turned 27 so between 5-10 years--but for others it might seem like a lifetime. Now, think about what your expectation of life was at that time. What did you want to be doing? Where were you wanting to live? Family? Friends? Faith? Now, examine where you are at this moment. What is life like for you now? Are you able to do and go like you desired?

 I remember having great expectations of life to come. I was going to meet someone in college, fall in love, get married, and teach overseas on the mission field. I had grand ambitions of writing a book, maybe a devotional or something similar. I wanted to be this blazing inspiration of a person who traveled the world. I expected money to be tight the first year I was on my own, but was sure that it would get easier as time went on. I also expected to stay the same physical shape I was back then. Things are not at all like I thought. Am I saying that I have a horrible life? Far from it. God has blessed me with a wonderful family, good health, and a good job. But somewhere along the line, I stopped dreaming and became a "realist."

How many of us claim that we are realists simply because it's easier than saying we've failed? I don't know how we stop dreaming. I think it has something to do with adversity. Eventually, enough people tell us we can't, or the bills don't disappear, or a life altering tragedy happens in your life, etc, etc. The list could go on for days. It breaks my heart that so many of the dreams we once had for ourselves have fallen on the sword so that we can do our best to just "get by" financially, emotionally, physically.

I am in the process of learning how to dream again. I have started gaining my body back through losing some weight, as seen in my results post on this blog. I've stopped crying every time I think about the things I want Kinleigh to be able to do, because I know that deep down inside myself, that determined 18 year old soul is still there. I know that if I work hard at the things I am passionate about, good things will happen.

What would it take for you to be able to really dream again? What would take the edge off to free you up to even think about dreaming? Justin and I are committed to putting dreams back in the hearts and lives of people we know. We are in the process of it now, but are surrounded by people who both dream BIG and achieve BIG. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone and you are not a lost cause. There is still plenty of time for dreams to come true.

I want Kinleigh to be able to play soccer, or softball, or whatever. I want to take her to Disneyworld when she is still young enough to love the magic. I want Justin and I to go on another romantic getaway trip. I want to go to Europe and feel inspired while standing next to the Globe Theater. I want to have the courage to write a book! And I really believe that, with some hard work, faith in God, and trust that it's not all about me, great things are yet to come. What about you?