Emotional Dumping and Advocare Cleanse: Day 1

So, it's been 2 months since I gave birth to my girl, and my body has decided that it's done all of the changing it's going to do on its own. As soon as I got cleared to work out at 4 weeks, I started both Turbo Fire and Couch to 5K, and didn't realize that my organs would literally jiggle and shake inside of my body. I was in a lot of internal pain from working out. Then, after a week of eating perfectly clean and working out like crazy, I lost less than a pound. Seriously??? I haven't worked out in almost a year and that's what I get? I was so frustrated that I kind of gave up the past month.

I don't know if this is normal or not, but I've really been going through a lot both emotionally and physically with my body. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself. This is something that I don't know if I can make anyone understand. I love my baby girl...but being her mom has changed my body in a way that it can never look "normal" again. I have stretchmarks over a foot long all over my stomach, hips, butt, and thighs. My skin is saggy. There is fat distributed in such random places that the curves I've always sported aren't so much curvy as bag of potatoes. I feel guilty for even caring. After all, I need to make sure my house is clean, my baby is healthy, my man is taken care of and feels loved...when do I have time/motivation to just work on me?

 I think back to when Justin and I first started dating and remember what I looked like then, and how I felt about myself. I used to read all of the time, work out (as an instructor!), go out with friends, play guitar, etc. I was confident and secure. These are the things that attracted my husband to me in the first place. Now, I feel that I am a fragment of that person. I am so very insecure about the extra skin, the miles of stretchmarks, the plus size clothing I'm now wearing. I'm trying less and less when I get ready and LOOK like that mom I swore I would never be. So I'm constantly asking him if he thinks I'm pretty, if I'm bothering him, etc. I know that it must wear on him. He is so good at constantly showing me he cares...flowers, sweet words, texts...but something in my brain questions how he could love me that much when I'm so blah. I question why he would want to be around me because, well, I don't want to be around me.

The only thing I AM confident about is that I'm doing a pretty good job raising a healthy girl. Kinleigh is so sweet and so responsive to us both. She is a schedule baby, and at 9 weeks is sleeping through the night. Everyone who babysits her talks about what a great baby she is, and I'm proud that the hard work J and I put in has helped her be a great kiddo. I am so very happy with my marriage and with my life...I just can't understand why anyone is happy with me. This is probably hormones, but I've never had a baby before, so I know nothing.

Anyway, I can't just sit and wallow in my negative emotions. Bottom line, I want to be that girl that Justin fell in love with. I want to get myself back. I want to be a mom that inspires my daughter to have a full life. A friend of mine introduced me to Advocare and talked to me about her own struggles as a teacher and mother. Her words of encouragement got me to pull the trigger, and here I am.

Today was the first day, and it wasn't as bad as I imagined. No shakes, flu like symptoms, or headaches from quitting coffee and Dr. Pepper. Now, I went to the bathroom way more times than anyone needs to hear about. We ate eggs, spinach, and tomatoes scrambled together with a pear for breakfast, and a salad with turkey breast for lunch. One of my fav snacks, carrots and hummus, is challenge friendly so I munched on that. Dinner was spaghetti squash, sweet potato and tilapia. I feel full, which could be because of the billions of gallons of water I'm drinking.

This challenge has to work. I weighed in this morning at 237 pounds, which is closer to a Biggest Loser contestant than a fit person. I can't fit into normal clothing and am so disgusted by my body. I need this...not for anyone else, but for me. If I can get my health under control, then I think the rest will take care of itself. My family deserves me at my best. Justin is the love of my life and I want to be able to take care of him, but most importantly, be his best friend. At the end of the day, he and K are my priority and I don't want to turn into a shadow of the person I know I can be. I want my family to be proud of me.

I wasn't meaning to be Debbie Downer today, but I guess I need an outlet for some of these crappy thoughts. Say a prayer for us as we continue the 24 day challenge.